There are many rumors swirling around the internet that People has declared Michael B. Jordan the 2020 Sexiest Man Alive and I need to shut all that conversation down because it is not true. I’m not saying that Michael B. Jordan isn’t very sexy, but I do take issue with People coming in here late and loud acting like they discovered this fact when actually I was the first to report on the “Michael B. Jordan is sexy” beat in 2017. Can we get some respect in the field of thirst journalism, here? Additionally, the rumors that People is breaking new ground with this announcement are unfounded because everyone knows that the only choice for 2020’s sexiest man alive is the massively depressed Christmas tree that just shambled into Rockefeller Center.